Item after item slowly checked off the “get for babies” list. Swaddles–done. Car seat–done. No-longer-avoidable nursing pillow–done.

One item left: a seven seater vehicle.

Audible sigh. Nope, and with babies only two months away, we didn’t even have a plan for one. We’d been driving a sedan since we got our first car seven years prior and we had three car seats wedged in the back. If my husband and I needed to go to different places at the same time? We didn’t. One vehicle has worked for us our entire marriage, but with twins on the way and stuffing our oldest two in the trunk not an option, we couldn’t avoid upgrading.

Just go to a dealership and get a loan, silly! See, last spring we went through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University and committed to never going into debt for anything (besides real estate) ever again. Including the seven seater vehicle we now desperately needed.

In an email I wrote to my mother-in-law about baby needs, item #1 on the list was an SUV. “I don’t know, maybe someone has a seven seater SUV just lying around that they want to get rid of. It’s worth a shot!” I wrote to her, joking, because nobody just gives away seven seater SUVs.

Still true. But God introduced us to an angel who wanted to give away her seven seater minivan.

Booyah. We have now reached the highest level of parenting coolness.

…But I should rewind for a moment.

For months my husband and I discussed every possible scenario for getting a vehicle and every time we ended the conversation without a solution. As the babies grew, our time to make a decision shrank and December rolled around with nothing. “Let’s pray about it,” was my only suggestion.

But pray for what? Well, maybe someone would go out of town and let us borrow their vehicle for a short time. Perhaps an opportunity would arise to lease something until my husband deployed and we could save quickly. There was a chance someone would see our predicament and simply loan us the extra vehicle they had sitting in their garage while we saved up; I didn’t know. It all seemed pretty far fetched.

Maybe someone would give us one.

The tiny voice in the back of my head popped up more than once and I shoved it out of the way. Don’t be silly, I told myself, people don’t give away the type of vehicle that we need.

I’d talk to God, tell Him I had no idea what to do and no clue how we were going to make this work. Mostly I mentioned my worries, and sometimes I dared to pray my little prayers about someone going out of town or a lease working out.

Jesus, maybe someone would give us one…?

No, Emma. Nobody is going to give you a vehicle; let’s be realistic here. Tone down those prayers, honey, I’d talk myself off the prayers-of-abundant-faith ledge.

And it’s not that I didn’t think God couldn’t do it. I’ve seen God do a hundred things bigger and wilder and far more miraculous than providing a vehicle for a growing family; I truly believe that nothing is beyond God’s capabilities and I never doubted that for a moment.

I think I was just feeling small. Overwhelmed.

Why would He do it for me?

On top of that, God isn’t some genie where you rub the bottle and pray your crazy prayers and God can do anything so He just hands you what you want on a silver platter. Faith that can move mountains doesn’t mean we’re given whatever we want, or even necessarily what we think we need. There’s no faith, trust, and pixie dust deal where if we believe really hard God will automatically do it.

Yes, He loves us.

Yes, He loves to give us good things.

Yes, He provides what we truly need.

Yes, He can always do it.

But no, He’s not a wish-granting genie.

I think God wants us to ask for big things with faith He can make it happen, but I struggle with the expectations I should have afterwards. Do I expect God will answer? Always. Do I expect God to answer the way I asked him to answer? I do not. I’ve heard the quote that we shouldn’t pray for rain unless we bring an umbrella and I get that the umbrella is an act of faith but what if God’s plan is bigger than rain or something different altogether? Sometimes it feels arrogant to expect God to give me exactly what I prayed for simply because I had faith.

There is no theological wisdom in that last paragraph, only a struggle I have.

I was afraid to pray God would provide us with a vehicle not because I thought He couldn’t but because that little voice of doubt had me questioning if I was worthy of such a gift and if it would be arrogant to pray for such a thing with faith that it would happen. Good theology? Noooo.

And so God taught me what was probably an even more important lesson than the reminder that He answers prayers.

God taught me that He answers the prayers we don’t pray.

Whether it’s worry, doubt, fear, insecurity, or lack of faith that causes us to hold back our prayers, He still knows. He still loves us infinitely.

And yes, my faith grew as a result of this. But more importantly for me, what grew was my confidence in His love.

A few short week before the twins were due, I received a text from my brother in law asking if we’d be interested in a van someone wanted to give away. This lady had been given a vehicle, and she had gone to church that day so excited to give away her old van to a family who had mentioned needing one, but this family no longer had need for it, leaving her with a van and no one to give it to! Disappointed, she started a conversation by chance with my brother and sister in law and mentioned her plight. As it so happens, they knew someone in great need of a van, so they connected us.

When I received the text, I read it twice. Then again. Then probably another five times. What? Was this really real; someone wanted to give us her van?

That afternoon, we met up in their church parking lot and Matthias gave his instant approval; the van was perfect! It’s old but she runs like a champ and fits our whole gaggle of wildlings. Less than a month before the twins were born, we signed the title and it was ours.

How immensely humbling.

At the same time, how special must I be to Jesus for Him to orchestrate that for me when I felt too small to even ask?

Marlene, you do not know what a blessing you were to our family, how God used you to teach me a lesson on His overwhelming love.

The prayers we’re too afraid to pray?

Why?

For me, I was just feeling too small. But I’m not.

For Jesus loves me.

This, I know.

Psalms 139:17-18a
How precious also are thy thoughts unto me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them, they are more in number than the sand.