2019 has been a year of change. Every part of our lives have changed–from the jobs, to the location, to our marriage, our family, our living situation–everything.

The kids and I moved three times. My husband moved four times. From the east coast to southwest to farther north on the east coast.

My husband got out of the military and we were a civilian family for the first time ever.

We’re having another child.

Just, ya know, a couple small things. Nothing major.

I’ve probably learned closer to 2,019 lessons than just 19, but here are a few that stand out and are worth sharing.

1. Drink celery juice every morning- we started this only about a month and a half ago, but my husband especially has noticed a significant change in how his body functions. Celery detoxes, improves liver function, aids in digestion and mental focus–the list is endless. Read more about the benefits here, but I juice my own (all you need is a blender and a cheese cloth!) for about $1 a day. Fair warning: stay close to a bathroom at the beginning.
2. Keeping our family together is of the utmost importance- as a (former) military family, we are unique in the civilian world in that being apart is pretty normal for us. Our first four years of marriage were full of separation and when my husband moved to VA six months before we planned to join him, it didn’t seem like a big deal. It was, and we ended up moving out four months earlier than planned. We didn’t have a choice in the military, but now that we do, we have learned practicalities do not take priority over our family being together.

   

3. YMCA memberships are always worth it- when we were active duty, it was $85 a month for our family. That was a huge amount at the time, but with it came a community, a renewed love of physical fitness, and most of all two and a half hours of free childcare every single day. You cannot put a price on that, my friends. I was fit and I was sane. Even during the peak of morning sickness with this pregnancy, I would walk on the treadmill for an hour and watch HGTV, then sit down and read a book while my kids got amazing childcare for free down the hall. Totally worth it.
4. Reserve parking in advance- I learned this little trick recently upon realization we’ve lived here for three months and I’ve been to DC only twice…because I thought getting there would be way too hard. Then I found SpotHero (there’s tons of other websites and apps out there too) where basically I can put in where I want to go, how long I want to be there, and it gives me all the options close by and their prices. Rates are usually discounted and you pay in advance, so all you have to do is show up with your email reservation. It takes all the stress out of traveling into major cities when you know exactly where to go and it’s already paid for. ($8 for all day parking on a Saturday in DC.)
5. Too many toys overwhelm a child- we reached a point not long ago where my kids literally would go into their rooms, dump out every single one of their toys, and walk away. Not only was it infuriating to neat-freak me, but they weren’t even playing with anything. One day I got sick of it and put everything away except maybe six specific items or sets, and it did miracles–barely any clean up, and all of a sudden they were playing with what they had again. Children thrive in simplicity and routine.

   

6. There is a difference between willful defiance and childishness- this year we reached new stages with both the toddler and the preschooler, and with that came different needs for discipline. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from Dr. James Dobson’s book The Strong Willed Child is disciple is necessary, but there is a distinct difference between a child choosing willful defiance (such as direct disobedience) and a child experiencing a meltdown because he’s overwhelmed or forgetting to flush the toilet because he’s three. I’ve been practicing stopping to think about the difference, which is hard when I’m losing my mind due to the noise or the mess, and then teaching/disciplining accordingly.
7. Don’t hire the cheapest movers you find online- a little practical tidbit since most of my friends seem to more or less be nomads: You can call around and ask for quotes online when paying for a do it yourself move. Some will be cheaper than others. It’s common sense not to choose the one that’s literally half the price of all the others because they’re probably sketchy, but the ones on the cheaper side will usually break/lose your stuff and there’s not a single thing you can do about it. Research well, ask tons of questions, make sure there’s some kind of insurance if things go wrong, and don’t just book the cheapest guy. It will end up costing much more in the long run. For example, our move to Colorado: they lost multiple valuable items, ruined furniture, didn’t communicate well, caused ridiculous amounts of stress by not sticking to their word–I wish I had paid more for it to be done well. During the move to Virginia, I packed everything myself and Richard drove a U-haul. Tons of work but we had control, it was cheaper, and everything arrived intact.

   

8. Have your babies before your husband gets out of the military- I have good civilian insurance through my husband’s new job and while they don’t give me the hassle Tricare sometimes did, they are darn expensive. We are paying for a midwife out of pocket with this birth because it’s still cheaper than meeting our deductible and then the small copay, which adds up to a ton of money with a hospital birth. All I’m saying is that I appreciate what Tricare did for us.
9. Saving is near impossible but completely necessary when leaving the military- some months in the military, we could barely pay for diapers. We weren’t going out to eat or doing anything special as a family…ever, really. When there was absolutely nothing else to cut out, we were still barely making ends meet, and there were no chances to build up savings. Then he got out and was unemployed for three months. We needed savings and we had none, although praise Jesus for VA disability pay, which was something! We lived with my parents and our expenses were virtually nothing, but most people don’t have that opportunity and I honestly don’t know how they survive. I guess the lesson I learned here is get your ducks and your fiances in a row as best you can, because getting out is a huge financial strain.
10. Children test boundaries to see how far you’ll go before you act- if you give your child 43 warnings and two hours of lenience after you tell them it’s bed time and they’re still up playing before you physically take them to their room, turn off the lights, and lock the door, they’ll learn they don’t need to listen the first time, because Mom won’t act until the 43rd time. This was the story of my life. Once I let the kids know they had one warning to listen or they would be disciplined and then I followed through, life got much less stressful.

    

11. Our separating service members and families need more resources (or education on them)- I know there are tons of resources out there for vets, but I have no idea what they are. I was never invited to anything before my husband got out that educated me, and my husband was so stressed and busy as he was separating he missed most of the resources too. We needed those, especially during the three months unemployed, and I don’t even know how to find out more. Support might be out there, but our veterans and families need more information on how to get it.
12. There can be much better ways to a large salary than a college degree- my husband has no degree, just five years of military experience and extensive training within his field. He is 24 with no student loan debt and (now) a fantastic salary while many of our peers are still in entry level work, feeling like they’re in jail thanks to their crippling student loans. If you want to go into a field where a degree is necessary, such as becoming a lawyer, then go to school! But college doesn’t promise a high salary or high stability any more than alternative paths do.
13. Getting rid of stuff declutters more than just physical space in your life- After four moves in a year, we’ve purged a ton of stuff, and you know what? Looking around at our simple apartment with space in the corners, sparsely filled shelves, and partially empty closets, I don’t miss any of it. Our apartment is homey and clean and bright and I can breathe. Not only is the physical space decluttered, but so is my mind (less stress) and my time (less cleaning and organizing.)
14. Keep multiple bank accounts to budget effectively- I’m not sure why it took me five years to figure this out, but this summer I opened two new bank accounts–one for bills and one for one time expenses such as a furniture purchase–in addition to our direct deposit account, which we save for groceries, gas, going out to eat, winter jackets, etc, that way we can see exactly how much “spending money” we have left. When the money in the direct deposit account is gone, we’re done for the paycheck, but the money is already set aside in a different account for non-negotiable such as our tithing and phone bills. We use it in a similar way to the envelope system and I’d like to open more accounts to keep things like gas separate too, but it works effectively.

    

15. Invest in quality, or wait until you can- we’ve bought a lot of cheap things, often out of “necessity,” and it’s mostly all junk, donated or tossed in the trash. And most of the things we bought cheap because we thought we needed them (such as the water proof mattress protector that was basically an uncomfortable layer of crinkly plastic) and it didn’t serve the purpose anyway. Now I save up for for quality items that really make a difference in my life, like wipeable vegan leather mats for the kids to eat on during movie night, and simply say no to the “necessities” like the ugly plastic dish rack until I can afford to get a quality one I’ll want to keep. “But I can’t afford the quality stuff…” Often, there is an opportunity to save up for it, or else quality can be found secondhand, too, and not having it at all still often beats your house being filled with cheap junk.
16. Different does not mean wrong, especially in marriage- my husband prefers to clean up after he cooks and doesn’t mind a messy kitchen while he eats–it doesn’t mean he’s wrong, even thought I’ve told him that he is multiple times. I say “turn right onto the 395″ and he says “turn right onto 395” and it doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Different is often annoying, but it’s not wrong, and it shouldn’t be treated as such. We’ve been working on learning this one a lonnngggg time.
17. A strong community (especially through church) changes everything when you’re in a new place- the YMCA has helped me find this, small groups at church, even reaching out to our new church to ask for help with childcare–now we have a retired couple down the road who invited us over for Christmas dinner and are like grandparents to the kids. Community is hard to find unless you’re actively looking. Actively look–because it changes everything once you find it.
18. Be the weirdo who sets up play dates with strangers you met online- true story, my closest friend here is a military wife with kids the same age as mine, is seeing the same midwife as me for her third pregnancy, and is someone who I met by chance in a Facebook group. We started chatting and connected immediately–we set up a play date and rest is history. She’s just as weird as me and I love it, but I never would have met her if we’d been too afraid too connect because we were strangers. But please, please, please, observe extreme caution on this one! Do not be the news story who got their kids together with a weirdo they met online and had something awful happen.

    

19. Big changes are usually scary–but always can be adventures. Keep your family a team- stress can pit husbands and wives against each other. It can take a fun thing with your kids and make you want to pull your hair out. Stress and anxiety are real, and when you’re making big changes, they’re inevitable. You can go about this one of two ways: You can take it on as a team, ready to face the next adventure together, or you can be bitter your husband’s work requires you to move again, or try to do everything yourself and refuse help, or simply decide you’re in it alone. Only one of these options works. Changes are scary, but if you commit to facing them as a team, they can be great adventures.

Next year, baby number 3 is coming in hot. We’ll be moving again. We’re still adjusting to my husband’s wonky work schedule. 2020 will be another year of major changes–our family just can’t seem to avoid them–and I’ll be learning a heck of a lot more lessons then!

Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all.

Thanks for everything, 2019. Peace out.