I occasionally (okay–often) sit and stare as our childless neighbors lounge quietly on their patio.

No tiny humans grabbing at their eyes, rubbing peanut butter on the brand new beige sofa, saying “mama” for the 1938423th time in 14 seconds.

Just a husband and a wife, enjoying the peace. Alone. With no kids. Because they don’t have any.

I’m not creepy. Just…wistful.

Don’t get me wrong, I adore being a mother! At 18, my husband and I married, and four months later we found out we were expecting. My son was born six days after I turned 20 and my daughter showed up just 22 short months later, bringing our family tally up to four. You can read my list of 20 fantastic things about having kids at 20 here, and I intentionally wrote about those first because they far blow these out of the water.

But it doesn’t change the fact that parenting is really hard, and there are more than a few moments I long to sit quietly on my patio with my husband, just like my childless neighbors.

This list is insignificant compared to the joy my children bring me, but these things are real nevertheless.

Here are 20 reasons why having kids at 20 is hardly a piece of cake. In fact, plan on sharing any piece of cake you eat anywhere except the bathroom with your spawn for the next two decades.

1. You can’t sit quietly on your patio with your husband. Ever again. Probably for like, the next 20 years. Nah, I’m being dramatic here, but seriously–it won’t happen nearly as often as you might like.
2. You also don’t get to sleep in. Kids wake up early. Just stick it out until they’re teens and never want to get out of bed!
3. Watching movies in the theater or sitting down for unlimited wings is also probably out of the question. When they’re babies, this is still definitely an option, but try taking a toddler to sit down at a restaurant for two hours while you eat eleven plates of wings. It’s not as fun as it sounds…
4. No more late night bonfires at Theresa’s house. I haven’t had to “give up partying” because that was never me, but I still did enjoy spending evenings with friends–without a time line. Now we work around bed times and meal times and I spend my time at bonfires trying to keep my toddler out of the fire instead of hanging out with a cup of coffee enjoying the peace.
5. You barely get to shower. I don’t trust my toddler to be alone in the house for twenty minutes while I shower because that kid is smart and he is maniacal. But then when he’s sleeping I have a million other things on my list and showers tend to get pushed down on the list of priorities. It stinks–literally! (Hahhhhhh.)
   
6. You don’t look like all the other 20 year olds at the beach. Pregnancy and nursing changes your body and you are a warrior–it is for the better! But this is still true and the temptation to compare is a real one.
7. Suddenly, all your friends are in a completely different stage of life. They’re in college, mostly. And I have to say, it’s slightly different from raising tiny humans.
8. Kids put a lot of stress on a marriage. When you’re sleep deprived, stress levels also rise. Then add financial pressure, differences in opinions on disciple, constantly being touched out, postpartum low libido (if you struggle with this read this post!) and the stress can intensify quickly.
9. You don’t really know adult life without kids. Sometimes I dream about being an adult with the freedom to do what I want and I literally cannot imagine it. Marriage and motherhood is all I’ve ever known as an adult and while I don’t regret it for a second, I don’t know any other life either.
10. Everyone thinks you’re 10 years older. Only it’s not because you act mature. It’s because of the dark eye circles, lack of shower, and crazy hair from a baby who likes to pull on it.
11. You don’t have any money. Most 20 year olds are hardly rolling in the dough, and that can be a major challenge when you’re trying to purchase strollers, car seats, clothes, and diapers.
12. A lot of people want to give you parenting advice. Sometimes it’s wonderful advice. We should hear it all with an open mind, but occasionally, people will view you as young and therefore incompetent which can lead to all sorts of unsolicited advice.
13. Traveling becomes a lot more expensive and complicated. You can’t just pack a backpack, buy a single plane ticket, and fly to Asia on a moment’s notice when there are tiny people in tow like you could if it was just you.
14. Childcare is really, really expensive too. At 20, most of us are still working up way up, many starting at entry level jobs where childcare is often more than half of income.
15. Also, getting a higher level of education just became slightly trickier. I think it goes without saying that college without kids is far easier.
16. You’re probably going to have to move out of your studio apartment. Babies need no space at all, but toddlers…whew! They need their own space and the college studio apartment you were living in to save for a house one day is going to start feeling very crowded very quickly.
    
17. You don’t have as much life experience as people around you. When someone has been alive 50% longer than you, they’re probably going to have more life experience and life experience is somewhat helpful when you’re raised tiny humans.
18. Finding friends your age is challenging. I am blessed that as a military wife, most young moms around me are, in fact, in their early 20s, but that is not the norm. Generally, people in their 20s are still “finding themselves” and once you’re a parent your focus shifts to finding lost pacifiers.
19. It’s so easy to compare yourself to older, “more successful” moms. Maybe because they have major careers, Pinterest-perfect homes, or model children. 20 year old moms are just starting out, and we don’t look like them.
20. You can give up on leaving your gorgeous hair down for a longggg time. Young people have pretty hair. Older people have pretty hair. So many people have pretty hair but if you’re a mom, you can give up on wearing it down unless you want it to become a tug-of-war game for your babies and toddlers. Sorry. Try again in four years.

If you want to tell me this list is completely self centered and I’m a selfish mom who doesn’t care about her kids, please just move along.

That’s the whole point.

When you become a mom, your days of focusing on you first are over. (Although they should have been over the day you got married, too!) Please don’t read that wrong. You need to focus on you. You are important. You cannot take care of your family without taking care of yourself.

But our primary role as a wife and a mother is to take care of and nurture our families and that often means sacrificing some of the things we took for granted, such as showers and unlimited wings, when it was just us. Those things can still happen! We make time for the things that are important to us.

Your new role is growing a new life, training your children up to love Jesus and love others and one day, love their own families. Your role as a mom is to serve.

And yes, that means giving up a lot.

It is the greatest of joys to do so. There are far more than twenty reasons why having kids at 20–or any age at all–is hardly a piece of cake, but they mean nothing next to the blessing it is to raise a family.

Just…resign yourself to not spending quiet afternoons on the porch quite as often as you would like.

And then go check out 20 fantastic things about having kids at 20 and remember why this mama thing is the best ever.

Finally, go eat an actual piece of cake in the bathroom while your kids tear apart your living room.

This is the only stage of life where it is appropriate to do so. Might as well take advantage of the fact.