When the number of children in your family doubles, life changes. Like, a lot.
Hello, perpetual chaos!
You had better believe I read the mommy blogs when my daughter (#2) was on the way–I wanted to know how to juggle schedules, if tandem nursing was the thing, if I should potty train before or after my daughter arrived, what the transition would be like for my toddler.
Most of them basically said the same thing:
Prepare for chaos. But you will survive.
Today I’m here to tell you the exactly that, but with a few more specific lessons I’ve learned along the way. After all, it’s always easier to learn from someone else’s basically blind experimenting than your own. I have two children; my son is two, my daughter is five months, and there is 22 months in between them. Do I ever love those children but goodness, it’s hardly been a walk in the park.
Mama, I wish we could sit down over hot triple shot lattes and I could encourage you, sharing with you the last five months of my life.
Chaos, but so, so much joy.
And without further ado, here are twenty lessons I’ve learned from having two in two years.
- Not sleeping is easier when it’s intentional.
I struggled through middle of the night cluster feeding for the first week of both my kid’s lives and then I learned something: When I was trying to fall asleep knowing full well my daughter would start crying again in seconds, I felt like I was going crazy. When I turned on some lights, sat up, and resigned myself to binge watching Netflix until she calmed down, I actually kind of enjoyed the time. - Routines and schedules give kids stability.
When you have one, you can do things like “sleep when the baby sleeps.” This statement is useless when you have more than one kid because if you go completely without schedules, your kids won’t sleep at the same time. Instead, our infant is scheduled to eat every three hours–a schedule her body naturally gravitated towards anyway, we just helped her get there. Then she’s awake for an hour and asleep for 1-2 hours until the three hour cycle starts again, and so I time her naps to coincide with my son’s naps. Then I actually get a break. - How to get through witching hour: baths, essential oils, a fenced in outside, and space.
I am so glad we don’t live in California because we run sometimes four baths a day for our toddler. Whenever he’s out of control: bath time! We throw a few drops of Lavender and Frankincense essential oils in there and he calms down immediately. Sending kids outside (preferably in a fenced in area so you can still make dinner or whatever) makes such a difference as well! When all else fails, our kids get to spend some time alone in their beds. Nobody wins when mama is so shot she loses her marbles. - Sometimes it’s okay to do the things you said you would never do.
For me, this was bed sharing–something I swore I would never do, but then my daughter wouldn’t sleep without me at night and I had to choose my battles. After a few weeks, she moved to her own space just fine, but deciding my sanity was more important than my commitment saved me those first few weeks. There are many things convenience is not worth such as safety and health, but weigh it all wisely. Everything changes when you have two kids instead of just one. - There are times you just have to put your kid away.
Yep, I said it. There are times I am genuinely worried about what I am going to do to my kid (99% of the time it’s the older one) because lack of sleep and hormones and constant whining does that to you, and there are times I have to go put him in his room even if it means letting him scream and cry for awhile. We all have a limit and toddlers know how to push them. It’s okay to put them away and get your wits together–it’s much better than responding to your child in a way you will regret. - Let the older sibling hold the younger one when they want to.
My son certainly still had his jealous moments, but somehow holding his baby sister and knowing we trusted him with this tiny new human helped with his adjustment hugely. We decided that unless there was a legitimate reason, we would let him hold her whenever he wanted even when it was sometimes inconvenient to us because his emotions were very unstable and we wanted him to feel a sense of importance and responsibility. The result is that he learned how to be gentle very quickly and he didn’t feel in competition with her. - Baby wearing is a sanity saver.
It’s also a back killer, but I promise that breaking out that baby wrap is much easier than trying to hold the baby with one hand and make dinner with the other. Maybe you can do it, but goodness– hands free makes all the difference. - A sense of control will greatly benefit your children.
When a new baby comes home, the change can leave toddlers feeling totally out of control, especially when they’re constantly told no, which is going to happen a lot. No, don’t take the pacifier from her mouth. No, don’t sit on her head. No, she’s not a toy. No is important and we are a firm believer in boundaries, but instead we find other ways to help them feel in control. We let him hold his sister when he wants to, we let him feed himself, we let him choose his own shoes and choose which apple from the fridge he wants to eat. Kids are not in charge but giving them a sense of control can drastically alter how they feel.
- Make enough food to have leftovers.
Eating healthy is a challenge. Health is my thing and I still find it a challenge. My favorite way to always have something healthy to eat? I make big batches of healthy chilis and casseroles and whatnot and I store the leftovers in the fridge and warm it up for lunches instead of making boxed mac and cheese. If you’re not really into eating the same thing twice, freezing leftovers into individual portions and pulling them out at a much later date is a good option for you. - Don’t be afraid to buy off-brand diapers.
Diapers are expensive. The Aldi ones are as good as Huggies so don’t stress about getting “nice” diapers. Diapers are not nicer just because you’re buying a brand name. Unless you’re specifically getting organic or all natural diapers, they’re all the same; save yourself some money. But something to avoid at all costs: fragrances! Chemical fragrances are harsh and you do not want those on your sweet baby’s booty. - There is absolutely nothing wrong with letting your kids get bored.
My mom always used to tell me only boring people got bored. Perhaps it was somewhat of an excuse to not entertain us when we were all driving her nuts over summer, but either way it taught us to use our imaginations and be creative. Kids don’t need screens to be entertained. Activities are good but they don’t need to be constant either. Boredom teaches kids to use their minds and teaches the oft forgotten but all too valuable skill of creativity. - Make your husband–and date night–a priority.
Last summer I started dating my husband again and it changed our whole relationship. Now that our children have doubled in quantity, it’s even more important to focus on one another because unless we’re intentional, we talk–about kids, and what to have for dinner, and who is going to take out the trash. If I don’t make my husband my priority, he gets my attention only after everything else in our home. You and your husband are a team and there are a million reasons to make each other the priority, but one is that a house divided will fall. Life is insane with two kids. You had better be working together not just side by side, but as one. - An after-dinner walk as a family can literally change the whole evening.
We consider our evening walks to be mini-dates. The kids are constrained, we can talk without interruption, I’m not stressed about my toddler tearing up the house, and fresh air makes everyone feel better. Yes, sometimes we fight a losing battle against our son because he doesn’t want to be in the stroller, but we do it anyway. Eventually he calms down. Even if he doesn’t, we can still rise above the screams of our tortured toddler and have a nice walk, and…at least he’s strapped down. - Potty training toddler + newborn = both mess and stress.
I tried potty training my toddler when my daughter was a few weeks old and it was going great until I realized when my milk was letting down and my toddler desperately had to pee pee, something was going to get very messy. This caused me a great deal of stress and eventually I decided to wait until the baby became slightly more established, which she now is so I guess I have no excuse to dive back in to the wonderful world of getting my kid to pee on a big boy potty. - Teaching the older sibling to give the younger one their pacifier is the best trick you’ll ever teach.
Five months ago, teaching my toddler this trick seemed quite the task. But we were persistent, and now we ask him to get baby sissy’s paci and he will find it and shove it (very aggressively) in her mouth until she calms down. This trick works great when I don’t feel like getting up or when there is something actually pressing like I am in the shower or have my hands completely full. This trick is also brilliant to teach with burp cloths if you birth a ridiculous spitter-upper like I did. - Tandem nursing is, in fact, a thing.
And I did it for five months until my toddler became distracted with traveling and forgot about nursing. I believe it made the transition easier for my toddler but it certainly wasn’t my favorite; however, in the beginning, it’s handy to get milk to come in fast and to fix issues like engorgement and mastitis. Also, because I nursed my toddler straight through my pregnancy, I had absolutely zero challenges or pain with nursing my daughter when she was born. That was such a win for me. - Make Lavender essential oil and Thieves Cleaner your new best friends.
Running Lavender in all diffusers at night is the difference between the kids sleeping ten hours and sleeping twelve hours. One night I was lazy and didn’t bother–I suffered for it the next morning when my son was up at 6am. Kid got a bug bite? Lavender. Kid teething? Lavender. Kid insane? Throw them in the bath with Lavender. Then with the Thieves cleaner–it’s safe to use around your kiddos. Use it for spit up, poop, spilled milk, and then don’t stress when your child licks the floor afterwards. A mama with a clean house is a happy mama. - Don’t give your kids an ultimatum you’re not willing to fight over.
“You can get down once you finish your dinner.” Friends, do not say this unless you’re willing to enforce it, even if it means a fight. I’ve said things like this without thinking and then realized what I had started, and we have sat at the table for an hour simply to show that mama means what she says. Once you give into your child once–just once–they learn that they can get what they want by fighting you. Do not start a fight you are not willing to finish. - You can reuse boy stuff for your girl.
My daughter has blue blankets, a blue monster walker, and she will potty train on a race car potty. Sorry, my little darling, but your big brother was born first. Of course, you can get your second child all new things but they don’t need them so don’t think you have to spend the money or the time. No baby cares if she has dinosaur blankets instead of princess ones. - Don’t forget that your husband is your best friend.
If there is one thing I want to leave with you, it is that your husband will be the one by your side at the end of the day when the kids have taken everything out of you. Your husband will be the one by your side in twenty years when your kids have left the house. You two need each other! He is a valuable resource when you are burnt out; ask for help. When you’re on the edge of your sanity, laugh with him. If the kids won’t stop screaming, feeling miserable with your best friend makes it just a tad better.
You will survive this.
You’ll learn because you have to, and you’ll learn as you wade through the trenches and more experienced mothers who have waded through the trenches before you share their mistakes and wisdom.
Be ready for perpetual chaos. You have so got this, mama!
