We’ve all had that conversation with our husband. You know, the one where he looks over and notices our worn out countenance and asks what’s wrong, then we have a choice regarding what we’re going to tell him and he has a choice about how to respond.

I have this friend who I’ll call Stacy and because she’s been feeling discouraged often, she’s been having this conversation with her husband, Tim, on a pretty regular basis. She tells him that she’s feeling down and she misses home. She wishes she lived in a place where everything wasn’t so far away. It’s hard dealing with pregnancy hormones and anxiety because the house is a mess and she’s worried about their finances being in a bind. She’s really just tired.

Tim looks at her and tells her firmly that she should be joyful, and she always is ungrateful and looks at the negative side of life and it’s sucking the joy out of their family. He works so hard during the day and he’s always exhausted but he still manages to come home and play with their little girl and have a good attitude and he’s not wrong–I know Stacy and Tim and sometimes she can focus on the negative and he’s very good at having a joyful attitude even when he’s completely wiped out.

But they’ve had this conversation so many times and do you know how Stacy responds now when Tim asks her what she’s feeling?

She doesn’t want to tell him. If she’s so lonely it makes her cry, she does it in private. She hides her feelings when they’re negative so Tim doesn’t ask and she doesn’t have to share, therefore avoiding a lecture on needing to be joyful and thankful. Really, has anybody ever come out of a conversation with their spouse where they were harshly told you’re ungrateful and sucking the joy out of our family and you need to smile because you have so much to be thankful for with a positive change in their attitude regardless of whether or not it’s true?

Here’s the thing: I know Stacy well. She knows when she’s focusing on the negative, she knows how to be joyful, and if you give her a few minutes on her own to breathe when she’s down, you’ll see an entire change in her personality and attitude.

As I thought about what I would want from Tim in her situation, I realized it was actually very simple. I would want him to listen to my feelings and give me a big hug, bring me a piece of chocolate, and pray with me for joy. I would want a smile and a listening ear and then, “you’re stronger than the feelings and circumstances bringing you down. Jesus is stronger.”

I would want to hear two words, just five letters: me too.

I miss home too. I’m tired too. It’s hard for me too. I understand you.

Instead, he tells her firmly to shape up and stop feeling sorry for herself and get it together because her life is great. Again, he might not be wrong, but simply telling someone in a harsh tone to be thankful and happy has never left anyone wanting to feel thankful and happy. There is a time and a place for firm words, but a wife needing comfort from her husband is generally not one of those times.

It may seem like only one conversation that could perhaps be handled better on both sides, but this repeated conversation has led to many, many more issues in their marriage–the main one from which most of the little ones stem being that they simply aren’t connecting. She doesn’t want to be vulnerable because she knows she will only get a talk on her bad attitude and he doesn’t want to be around her because he feels her negativity is bringing him down. The result is that they’ve stopped spending quality time together and you married folks know what good that does a marriage.

There are clearly some underlying issues here, but from what I can tell, most of it is stemming from their lack of connection.

And when you’re in a winter season in your marriage, often connection needs to begin small.

Imagine what me too could do in their communication when they have one of their very frequent “what are you feeling?” conversations. After all, they’re both tired and dealing with stress and missing home. Imagine if they made a point to find a connection during those conversations instead of it becoming a lecture on bad attitudes and why can’t you be joyful and you’re sucking the happiness out of this family. Imagine if when he was down she made him a cup of coffee and gave him a big kiss and encouraged him. Imagine if when she was upset he shared hugs and chocolate and prayed with her. Would either of them come out of that conversation feeling ignored, rejected, lectured, or lonely?

Probably not.

Because they would have effectively connected.

And if they came out of that conversation feeling understood and they were one emotionally, as is intended in marriage, imagine how that would change their interactions for the rest of the day. Imagine what kind of habits in both communication and encouragement that would build up and how it would affect the whole family.

Just one simple, intentional point of connection that could change their whole relationship dynamic. Five letters.

Me too.

Yes, there is a time and a place for firm words. For teaching that may be hard to hear but that builds up another’s character. There are many times and places for this in a marriage–in fact, this is vital in a marriage as we see things in our spouse that no one else can–but when someone is down and desperately in need of encouragement is usually not that time. If you focus on telling them what they should be feeling instead of saying “me too” enough times during a season where they’re struggling, they could become pretty consistently discouraged, leading to the other feeling like they’re never happy and sucking the joy out of the family. This is what happened to Stacy and Tim.

It’s a vicious cycle where they’re becoming less and less connected and the issue is getting worse. I can’t speak for Tim and I’m sure there’s some deeper issues at play with him, but Stacy tells me the cry of her heart is that she wants to be heard by her husband. Not merely listened to, but understand.

She wants him to say me too, five letters so she knows she’s not alone and her feelings are valid.

Me too is how we begin to connect in nearly any relationship, whether it’s with a girlfriend who loves tea as much as we do, or the man sitting next to us on the airplane who also grew up overseas, or the military wife whose husband is also deployed. It’s how we build bridges into each other’s lives, and these bridges are particularly vital in a marriage.

Next time you and your husband or wife are struggling to connect, stop for a moment and really listen to what they’re saying. Regardless of whether or not they need an attitude adjustment, think about how you can encourage them instead–attitude adjustments can come at a time they’re not sharing their heart with you. Where can you find the “me too” point?

Then you milk that point. Don’t take the focus and drop it on yourself, but let them know you understand and you’ve been there and their feelings aren’t irrelevant.

Connect rather than correct.

Then watch the chain reaction that togetherness through a simple five-letter phrase can bring.