Do you ever just feel tired? My husband and I have the following conversation nearly daily:
“Are you alright?” he asks me kindly.
“Yes, I’m just tired”
“You can go take a nap if you’d like.”
“Not that kind of tired, babe.”
Of course there are times I’m sleepy but at the end of a long day it’s my spirit that is tired. My mind is tired. My body is tired, but not the kind of tired that needs a nap–it’s the kind of tired that needs a break.
I wish I could say the result of the tiredness is that I slow down and take breaks, but it’s not. I don’t complain. I don’t crash in front of the TV. I don’t leave the dishes for tomorrow, I don’t decide we’re going to takeout for dinner instead. Of course I don’t do any of those things because the little voice in my head tells me only weak women would stop when there is work to be done.
So the work is always done. The food is always made and the toys are always put away, which usually is a good thing.
Only recently, it hasn’t been good. Not one bit.
It hasn’t been good because the resulting me is a mama who snaps at her son and a wife who tells her husband not right now, I’m busy.
Always busy. There is always more to do. After all, if I don’t do it, who will?
If there’s more to be done, I just want to do it; I’m a delayed gratification kind of gal and I don’t want to take breaks when there’s chores hanging over my head. This is not a bad thing in itself–there is nothing wrong at all with wanting to finish the work that needs to be done before you sit down, and if that’s what you need to do before you can relax, then at least your jobs are finished by the time you sit down with that hot cup of tea!
Up until a few months ago, that was me. I would work like a crazy woman and get everything finished, and then my work would be done and I would sit down and take that much needed break. When I was able to take breaks, I was fully relaxed. The system worked well for me.
And then I began to let the anxiety get to me, and I stopped making my devotions a priority and I stopped using my planner and everything slowly unraveled until my husband finally sat down to say that my frenzied, exhausted activity was killing our family.
Ouch.
It happened slowly, and with a few days of reflection I’ve seen exactly how it happened and exactly how it’s been affecting our family. It’s been breaking their spirits.
So here you go: How to break your family’s spirits in a few simple, easy steps. There are all sorts of other ways I won’t cover, but here is one that I know works from experience.
Step 1: Start looking for work to do (not to be confused with taking initiative, which is good!) Overwork yourself to the point of anxiety and exhaustion. The more frazzled you feel, the better!
Why would any sane mama ever actually look for work to do? Fantastic question, and the answer is two-fold.
First, it’s when she starts to find her identity in the home. I am a mom who keeps clean kitchen floors. I am a mom who prides herself in cooking good meals for her family. I am a wife who makes sure her husband never comes home to a mess. It’s fine–good, even–to be those things, but when that becomes who you are, there’s a problem.
Second, it gives her control. I can’t control my husband’s job or everything about how my child acts, but I can control what my home looks like. My son is tearing up the living room. Umm, oh look! I’ll go reorganize the pantry. Then at least I’m in control of part of what’s going on.
Step 2: When your husband asks you to come sit down and talk to him, do it. And then get up and go start on the dishes in the middle of the conversation. Make it a habit to never give him your full attention.
My husband pretty rarely has my full attention, and it’s a huge challenge in our marriage. He would prefer 100% of my attention 5% of the time to 99% of my attention 99% of the time and I recently haven’t been intentional about focusing fully on him even 5% of the time.
Instead, I utilize phrases like, “Okay, as soon as I finish with..” and “Let me just do ____ first” and when 9pm comes and I’ve run myself ragged, I’m too tired to even enjoy the break or the time with him.
There is a time and a place to do things that need to be done and there is a time and place for focusing on your family. When in doubt, always consider the following question: Will me doing this thing right now convey to my husband or kids that what I am doing is more important to me than they are?
Step 3: Make sure your kid is on the same page as you with keeping the house clean/staying out of trouble. Don’t let them play in anything that’s not specifically “their toy” and if they’re hungry and tired when dinner rolls around, refuse to pick them up because you’re trying really hard to get the food ready.
Look, you can’t always hold your kid. You shouldn’t simply let them play in anything they want to get their little hands into. You should teach them to pick up after themselves and how to keep their food on the table and not make big messes.
But when your need for control comes before showing grace to your young child who is really little and still has a lot to learn, it shows itself in a nasty way. Like yelling when they spill their water. And snapping at them to go away when their little arms are clinging to your legs while you’re in the kitchen working on dinner. And huffing and puffing when they drop food all over the floor during dinner time because it’s just one more thing for you to clean up.
Step 4: Start using the word NO a lot. If it’s said in an annoyed, loud voice, bonus points for you.
Discipline and boundaries are completely necessary in raising children, and I don’t think you can raise kids well without them. Both disciplining children and creating boundaries for them requires frequent use of the word no, but that isn’t the no I’m talking about. I’m talking about the no that isn’t said to teach, it’s said to convey that you’re really annoyed and sick of their behavior/them and they better cut it out or you might toss them out the window.
You can make your child feel like a burden. You can make your husband feel like a burden, and I assure you, as soon as they feel like the most important lady in their life views them as a bother or an annoyance, you’re going to start breaking down their spirits very quickly.
Repeat all these steps regularly and pretty soon you’ll have a husband that isn’t quite as interested in coming home as you wish he was and a child who is afraid to make mistakes and learn because his mama might snap. If it goes on for long enough, you’ll straight up break their spirits.
Us wives and mamas have more influence in our homes than we sometimes realize. “Happy wife, happy life” is often said as a joke but when you have a woman who is anxious and overworked and snappy, it can have dramatic effects on the whole entire family. Devastating effects.
The fact is that God created families as units who live and love so closely that one person really does have the influence to slowly kill a family. Of course, we are all responsible for our own attitudes and responses, but especially with little children–your attitude as a mama is vitally important. That will be their example growing up. Many times that will shape how they view themselves.
There are going to be days you’re annoyed and exhausted and snappy and sometimes your tiredness will feel like a chronic exhaustion of the soul.
Being a wife and a mom is really darn hard.
But in the midst of the hard, even when you actually really do have to make dinner and the little hands won’t stop begging, remember the way your attitude affects those you love most. Remember that you can build your family up to thrive or you can break their spirits.
The reality is that you have a very important position in your family and you hold a whole lot of influence, whether or not you want it.
So be aware of that today when you’re frazzled and you wish you had far more control than you actually have.
You have the ability to break your family’s spirits and it only takes a few simple steps repeated regularly to get there.
The good news is that you also have the ability to encourage and love and teach–your family will thrive under this leadership! Your husband’s leadership is vital and ineffably important as well, but you can only determine your own attitude and behaviors.
If you’re struggling, focus on two things:
- Grace.
- Jesus.
We can show grace because of the grace God showed us. If you’re struggling with grace and joy, maybe it’s because you haven’t been focusing enough on Jesus. If you don’t know Jesus, He will change your life! On my own, I am very weak, and it is only Jesus’s strength that helps me to love my family–I literally couldn’t do it without Jesus.
I get it, mama. I’m right there with you–I promise.
I can’t tell you to take a break because I understand you can force someone to stop but you can’t make them relax. I’ve been there. During my times there I’ve also learned a hot cup of tea, a few deep breaths, and some chocolate works wonders. Turn on a diffuser with some Lavender, Frankincense, and Peace & Calming essential oils and your brain will literally send signals to the rest of your body to relax. Most of all, think before you speak. Before you snap.
And always, always, always count your blessings, even in the midst of losing your mind.
You can do this, mama.