Every night after laying my sweet boy in his crib and closing his door, I can feel my shoulders slump.

My day as a mom is over, and after a day of everything needing my constant attention I am so tired.

It’s rarely physical exhaustion; instead it’s there-is-so-much-I-have-to-do tired and shoot-I-forgot-to-do-that-thing tired and when-is-that-appointment-again? tired. A million wheels turning all at once as we try to balance feeding the family, feeding ourselves, keeping our house in working order, not ignoring friends, loving on our husbands, bills, dishes, laundry, blow outs, plants that need watering and kids that need baths more than once a month.

When my day as a mom has ended, my attention turns to the dishes that haven’t been done, the toys all over the floor, the dinner that needs to be put away. “I just need a minute, babe,” I tell my husband when he asks me to come sit down with him for a while. When I finally sit down, I’m done doing but the mental wheels are still turning, always turning.

One day he tells me sadly he doesn’t feel like I’ve been paying much attention to him and I want to yell. What do you think I do all day?? Everything I do is for you and the little guy. You both always have my attention! 

And it’s true–mostly.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that they both always have most of my attention, but the part that is distracted matters to them. Sometimes it frustrates me. How much more can they expect? I don’t cook and clean and change diapers and manage the household for me! When my husband comes home, I talk to him. I have dinner with him. I play cards with him. At the same time, I feed my son, help him reach things that are high up, build forts. They have basically all of my attention all the time.

There’s something I’ve learned in almost three years of marriage and two years of motherhood: 99% of my attention 99% of the time isn’t enough for them.

It’s taken my being on the other end to finally understand. My husband has been gone for the past month, and many nights I would text him and we would start a conversation. Then he would disappear and text back 10 minutes later. We had texted all day but his replies were always intermittent and when we were able to squeeze in the occasional phone call his roommate would walk in and he would be answering questions and talking to someone else and then have to go. I almost felt lonelier than if he wasn’t able to talk to me at all because even though he texted me whenever he could, I never got his full attention for more than 30 seconds at a time.

One day it occurred to me that my husband feels similar when he constantly has my attention but it’s shared with our son and making dinner and doing dishes. Of course, that’s part of having a family and part of having a home–it’s completely normal and good, and there’s absolutely no way he can have 100% of my attention for hours every day when there’s a tiny human running around tearing apart the house and also needing love. It’s easier to find time to give my son 100% of my attention because I’m home alone with him most of the time, but still my attention is usually divided as I play with him and read and cook and empower mamas to live healthier lives all at the same time.

A few weeks ago, I wrote a post about how to intentionally fight for your marriage. One of my tips was as follows, and I wrote half of it before I realized this issue is far too important to fit into a single bullet point:

“Be intentional about giving your spouse your full attention. Even if it’s just for five minutes. Full attention means you’re not yelling at the kids to stop making a mess and you’re not focusing on cooking dinner and you’re not watching TV out of the corner of your eye. Women, there is always something to distract us. I know wives with husbands who were unfaithful because…”

That’s as far as I got before I thought about how serious the consequences of divided attention can be. Kids can lash out, rebel, get in serious trouble so they get the attention they crave. And I do know wives with husbands who were unfaithful because they just wanted to think they mattered enough to someone to get their full attention. 99% of my attention feels like a lot but being on the other end of it, I know that the no amount of almost complete attention can show love and care the way entirely undivided attention can.

99% of my attention 99% of the time isn’t enough for my husband and son. 100% of my husband’s attention 1% of the time is still 15 minutes out of the day, and when he was gone, a 15 minute phone call when I had his complete attention would have been a million times better than hearing from him all day but knowing he was constantly distracted and he wasn’t totally paying attention to me. Of course at home, you want to give your family more than 15 minutes of attention in your day, but I know my family would prefer to have 50% of my attention 50% of the time and 100% of my attention 1% of time than almost all of my attention almost all of the time but never have me fully focus on them.

The way to find time to give 100% of your attention is by doing it intentionally. Nobody will ever accidentally have 100% of your attention unless you happen to be in a freak accident where you end up stuck in an elevator with one other person and no bag/phone/food/TV/any sort of distraction for hours.

When my son wakes up in the morning, my husband is long gone for work. I pull him into bed with me, leave my phone on the bedside table, and I tickle him and snuggle with him and we have pillow fights until he decides he’s hungry. Then I make us breakfast and we sit at the table with the TV off and my phone still away and we giggle and play with cars and eat breakfast–he has my full attention. At night after he goes to bed, my husband and I get dessert and sit on the sofa and watch our favorite TV show or play cards or light candles and sit down with a cup of coffee. I don’t do the dishes, our phones are away (are you noticing a pattern? Undivided attention almost always means putting your phone far away,) and the little one is sleeping. My son is 18 months old and requires so much attention at this point that I can give them together 100% of my attention, but my husband needs his own time too. It’s hard walking away from the dirty kitchen knowing I’ll have to go back and clean later, but it shows my husband he’s more important to me than cleaning.

These are only two examples but they are ways I show my family they are important enough to me to stop the wheels from turning and put away my jobs for a short time to completely focus on them. There are times when we need to clean up or pay bills or run to the grocery story even though we would rather give our families our full attention, and that’s part of being a homemaker and a helper–life takes a lot of attention and it’s appropriate to give it such. There is a time for everything, including your own life and jobs. Your family does not need 100% of your attention 100%, or even 50% of the time. Our responsibilities are important too, and often for me sanity and being able to relax means I do the dishes before I sit down and focus on my family.

In the midst of it all, the important part is setting aside that intentional time. Showing them they matter enough for us to put away our busy lives for a few moments and laugh and be silly or romantic or just sit back and be quiet together.

Moms juggle–it’s what we do–but your husband and kids need more than their short turn amidst the juggling. Tonight, instead of trying to juggle babies, dishes, phones, diapers, dinner, and your husband all at once, ask for an hour to focus on what you need to do. If there’s more at the end of that, write it down so you can get it out of your head. Then sit down, even just for half an hour, and focus wholly on your family. Afterwards you can go back to being super mom who does it all, but this time, your family know even though you have a million things to do they’re still important enough for you to stop for half an hour and give them your full attention. Making your family a priority doesn’t mean forsaking all else, it just means being wise.

99% of your attention 99% of the time is great, but it’s not enough for them. Don’t forget to give 100% of your attention, even if you can only manage it for 1% of the time. Do it intentionally. Make it a priority.

And then watch your family flourish.