I slumped against the sofa, defeated, as my son writhed and kicked in my arms. The tears had long since had their way with the small amount of makeup I had put on that morning. My son’s fever simply would not go down. There hadn’t been a quiet moment since 6am. The sink was overflowing with dishes. The emotional stress was so high I felt sick to my stomach and couldn’t eat.

And it was only day two of another long period of separation.

So I did what I do whenever I need a sound word of advice–I texted my husband.

“Babe, I’m so lonely,” I told him. I explained my day to him and I told him I just needed a friend but none were available. By mid-afternoon moms are getting to nap times and husbands are coming home and not many mommy friends have time for spontaneous play dates when they’re trying to cook dinner with a toddler wrapped around their leg. First, my husband did the practical thing and cycled through a list of my friends. Sarah? What about Mary? Is Stephanie available? No, no, and no.

But I didn’t actually know, of course. I just assumed–even after all those moms had offered breaks, told me to call anytime, or said they were always up to get together, I still figured it wasn’t a good time. Life is busy and I didn’t want to interrupt.

My husband, as usual, knew what I was thinking–that I hadn’t even bothered to see if my assumption was correct–and he told me the same thing he always does: “You need to learn to ask for help.”

Gosh, I hate that phrase.

Maybe if I was in a place surrounded by retired great-grandparents or sweet older ladies from the church who would do anything to spend a few hours with a child–maybe then I would be able to ask for help. But not in a community of wives and moms who are just as tired as I am, whose husbands are gone just as often, and who have more kids, more responsibilities, more to focus on. I am a strong, independent woman, after all. I shouldn’t need help. 

Thus all the “lies” we are lead to believe by a society that propagates individualism and achieving our dreams on our own start to form. You have to do it on your own. You’re supposed to have it all together–why isn’t your life perfect? Only inadequate people need help. This is just normal life so put your big girls pants on.

Only military life isn’t normal. We need help in areas we expect ourselves to handle because of deployments, TAD, trainings, duty, husbands who work from 4am to 7pm–but none of that is “normal life,” and while it should cause us to reconsider the standards we hold ourselves to, it often doesn’t. Just because planning out and meal-prepping every meal of the week was plausible when you were parenting together doesn’t mean it’s realistic once military life throws a curve ball. Sometimes we can maintain these things, but more often than not our expectations of ourselves need to change to match our new circumstances. Changing our expectations of ourselves is the first step to asking for help.

The biggest obstacle to asking for help? We feel alone. As women, we were created for deep friendships, and it’s no secret that moving or busyness or feeling overwhelmed can get in the way of those things. Getting involved in a community is uncomfortable and slow; this is our first battle.

Once we plug ourselves into the community, the battle isn’t over. It’s hard to let people know we’re at the end of our rope so we suffer through it and make it our mission just to survive. I can’t let them know I’m struggling–I’m stronger than this. With people we don’t know well, asking for help opens doors that maybe we didn’t want to open but it’s an opportunity for connection we wouldn’t have had otherwise. Even with close friends, asking for help exposes a vulnerable side of us that can be uncomfortable to share, but who are the true friends except for the ones who have seen those sides of you? Being vulnerable with someone gives them permission to be vulnerable as well. This is how you create meaningful relationships.

Even if we can get past the issue of pride and admitting we need help, there comes the issue of not wanting to burden an already worn out friend. We are too much and yet not enough. Too much for others to handle; not enough to be of value to anyone around us. This is another lie we women often believe.

Dear friends, you are not too much. People want to help you. Perhaps the other mom you are worried about asking for help desperately needs to be needed by someone other than her clingy toddler–sometimes we need to know we are important outside of our family–and maybe helping you run an errand or accompanying you to the doctor’s office is exactly what she needs. When we have the chance to help someone, especially someone we care about, we are validated and fulfilled–so why do we assume our friends helping us won’t feel the same way? We are called to help bear each other’s burdens, and to do so is a joy for those who care about you.

The other person who wants to help you is your husband. I hate asking my husband for help because I want to show him I’m a good wife who has the house under control, but also because when he comes from a 14 hour work day or two weeks in the field, I don’t want to give him more to do. When I asked my husband for advice on asking for help he told me this:

“We’re generally far more willing to work ourselves to the bone for others than we are to accept help, be it because of pride or not thinking we deserve it. However, it is never a burden to ask your husband for help. I love to help you. It makes me feel needed and like a hero. It validates me in my masculinity.”

There it is, friends. Not only are you not a burden to the friends and family around you, but they want the chance to love on you. Your husband needs you to need him. It is a blessing for others to help you. 

The next time you need help but don’t want to be a burden, you have two choices:

1. Don’t ask for help.  This is how to set yourself up for some dark, lonely times.
2. Ask for help and give a friend or husband the opportunity to love you. Let the community surround you and take care of you. Share your struggles with a friend who then feels comfortable enough to open up with you as well.

Your beautiful, crazy, messy life is part of what makes being a military wife so beautiful and so unlike anything else. Those around you are drawn to your uniqueness. There are people around you who love you, and if you don’t know how to start, show your need and others will come to fill it. It’s okay to need help; everyone else does too, I promise. And just as you desire to help those who need it, others long to help you too. Did you hear that? Others long to help you! Bless them by letting them bless you.

Dearest military wife, you are not a burden.