Up until this week, my husband and I have been on a grand total of four dates since my son was born. One was last Thanksgiving during a visit up to Ohio. One was because a sweet friend offered. One was for our anniversary and the other was for my birthday. On top of the lack of dates we’ve had, we’ve also had to rush home to put the baby to bed or relieve the babysitter of his or her duties every time, so our evenings have always been hurried.

My son is fourteen months old. 

That averages out to one date every 3.5 months–and granted, my husband has been gone frequently for work, but it certainly has not been that frequently. 

Before my son was born, a wise older couple advised us to make date night a priority and we smiled and thanked them, not entirely heeding their advice because we already knew that time together is imperative for marriages to survive.

Then life happened. We bought a house, I started my own business and my husband is great at what he does so his command heaped responsibility on him. Then my husband started buying his own gear to better his team of Marines, and have you ever looked at the price of diapers? We moved across the country and didn’t know who to ask to watch our son, plus we couldn’t afford a regular baby sitter. There was always an excuse for why a real date wouldn’t work.

Of course, we still went out together on “dates,” but they always included our little boy. When my son was an infant, he slept the whole time, and as he has grown we have learned he’s perfectly content in a stroller or high chair and doesn’t require much attention. These “dates” with our child in tow grew to be the normal for us. We got the best of both worlds: We were still going out to do fun things together plus we didn’t have to deal with the hassle of a babysitter.

Last week, we drove up to Ohio with my husband’s parents, Pop Pop and Grandma, missionaries in Indonesia who are home in the U.S. for a year. Since we’re around family who are willing to watch our son, we decided to try to go on a real date–the first in many months–and at about 9:30pm I was organized enough that I could leave my son to be put to bed by his fantastic grandparents.

My husband and I headed out for a date at The Cheesecake Factory.

Alone. Without a toddler.

Do you know what happened? We ate our cheesecake and drank our coffee in peace, spending the time staring into each other’s eyes instead of apologizing to the waitress for the mess our son made. We talked about our struggles, the favorite parts of our trip, and our dreams for the future. We talk about those things all the time; the talks just always include a cooing toddler and one of us making sure he doesn’t jump out of his high chair or eat a dead spider.

Without the child, it felt so different. So…romantic. Like a real, actual date.

And that was the moment we realized that the “dates” we had been going on for fourteen months were not dates at all. They were good–it is good for parents to go out and do fun, even romantic, things together, whether or not their child is in tow–but it was hardly a date because our attention was always divided. If I’m honest, it was mostly my attention that was divided by diapers that needed changing or a child that needed feeding or a text message that needed answering. My husband was always focused on me so I needed to focus on everything else to compensate, because how else were we going to keep our lives in order?

As we sat in quiet, the last two in the restaurant that evening, we finally understood the importance of connection alone.

Since then, we have been on three more dates–one every day since our night at The Cheesecake Factory.

Our second date, we explored a local artisan grocery store and picked up sushi, fancy cheese samples, and a delicious Russian tart from their bakery. Then we sat outside as the sun went down and enjoyed our pickings. For our third date, we hung out on the hood of our car and watched the 4th of July fireworks, and this morning for our forth date, we had bagels at a local breakfast joint.

All toddler free. It was absolutely glorious and we had no idea how much we needed it until we finally got it.

Our dates haven’t been fancy or expensive, but they’ve reminded us what it’s like to be best friends and that while our son is an important part of our family, he is not the center of it. Our marriage needs to come first, and making time to do fun “date-like” things as a family is good but it’s not enough–it’s not the dates the wise older couple told us were vital to making our marriage work.

We have made a commitment to find a way to get a date night once a week. Some nights it will be as simple as a bath with candles and a glass of wine or a rowdy game of Spades, but it will be intentional and most of all it will be alone.

It’s going to mean that sometimes we have to spend money on a babysitter and it might mean putting in work to get together a co-op with other families as has been suggested to me so many times before. A week ago, I wouldn’t have thought it was worth it since we were already going on “dates,” but since going on real, unhurried dates,  my husband and I have seen how important undivided attention and alone time are to a marriage. They are not optional, they are vital and they are necessary often.

My husband and I have always been best friends, but how can you expect to fully connect with your best friend if there’s always another person (or in our case, a very little human) who tags along, begging for constant attention? We viewed hanging out at home together watching a favorite movie or cooking a delicious meal as a constant date, but it wasn’t intentional and it often wasn’t just the two of us.

Dating is intentional. Dating your spouse means that you have to put in the effort to romance them–to think about what they love doing and what you can do together. When I go out on a real date, I pay more attention to doing my hair the way he likes and I’m a little more careful with how I get ready, which he appreciates immensely; it makes me intentional.

When my husband and I were dating, every date was a chance to prove that we cared, a chance to do something crazy or romantic together. We tried to continue to do that with a little human in tow and we have done a pretty good job, but the divided attention and getting home for bed time and babe, did you get the diaper bag? are not enough.

Date your spouses, friends. “Dates” with your children along for the ride are helpful but not sufficient–you need intentional time together, whether it’s sexy or low key or adventurous or completely spontaneous, because when you’re parents you can’t put your marriage first without a certain measure of intentionality.

I will never forget one of the advice cards I received at my baby shower. It read, “The most important thing you can do for your child is love your husband.” It’s true for our husbands too, and the wise womn who shared that with me is right. It’s not selfish to date your spouse–it’s the most loving thing you can do because your marriage is the foundation for your family. 

And Jesus–always Jesus.

Live brilliantly, my dear. If trekking to the local grocery store and trying that snazzy cheese you’ve been eyeing is all you need for an adventurous date with your husband, do it. Try something new, do something crazy, have fun and remember what it feels like to flirt.

Be best friends. If you’ve forgotten, here’s your chance to fall in love all over again.

I can’t wait to date my husband for the rest of my life, every week that we’re together. 3,640 more dates with my hunk of a man? Oh, yes please.