If you’ve been around my blog for any length of time, you’ll notice different themes pop up. These themes and topics give my readers insights into my life, my experiences, my joys, my passions, and…my struggles. Writing about struggles on the internet is a risky move, especially for this mama who would rather deal with cluster feedings and diaper blow outs then tell someone about my emotions.
Writing about struggles brings about a particular set of challenges as I don’t want to paint a situation or a person in a way that they truly are not–I recognize it’s a single moment but my readers don’t. I once read a quote about marriage that went something like this:
Don’t go talking badly about your husband because while you’ll go home, move on, and forget about it, your friends will not. You may know how amazing your husband is despite the fact he made inconsiderate plans without you, but all your friends will get out of the conversation is that your husband is a selfish jerk.
I don’t need to go into details, but basically tonight my husband made a decision without talking to me that he thought would be a win-win for us but in reality he’s winning and I’m home by myself all night with a screaming baby and without a car, which, by the way, is how I’ve spend my whole entire week so far and is hardly how I was expecting to have to spend my Friday night too. In my husband’s defense, he thought he was doing the loving thing, but his thinking was totally sideways on this one.
Sometimes though, the decisions that leave us throwing our arms up in exasperation weren’t done in love or with any good intent at all. Sometimes humans are mean and selfish and when we’re married to one, we see it far more than everyone else. I can be mean and selfish and you can be too–I promise our husbands know.
But seriously, ladies, can we just sit down together with a glass of wine or hot cup of tea and agree that men can be total airheads?
My high school friends are all in their very early 20s and they’re starting to get married. They’re 21 and engaged, or 20 and talking about it. I want to pull my girlfriends aside and sit them down and remind them they have no idea what they’re agreeing to–if they go into this expecting to be prepared, they will be wrong. As if we don’t already have a difficult enough time thinking on the same plane as a man, when that man is barely out of high school it becomes so much harder. Remember how there was a huge maturity gap in middle school between the girls and boys because girls on average mature around two years sooner than their male counterparts? Now studies are showing brain changes can begin up to 10 years earlier in girls than in boys.
This means that while emotionally and mentally my friend could be at the level of a 20 year old, if this study is true, it is possible for her fiancé to be on the maturity level (as far as the brain goes) ten years behind her. While the maturity gap is nowhere near that extreme in most young relationships, when you become one with another person in marriage, you will notice any and every difference.
Self admittedly, I am no good at science and I never have been–so that’s not what this post is about. This post is an I get you to all the wives who have had their minds boggled by their clueless husbands. Sometimes by their downright mean husbands. As I’m stuck here alone on a Friday night listening to the baby who is still sobbing in the next room all because my husband thought he was making a loving decision, I get you.
None of us understand how their minds work.
Then comes the temptation to complain. We call it venting and it’s very helpful to our own emotional state to get it off our chests, but we rarely consider the consequences that come with detailing his latest dumb decision. In my head it goes like this: I am so annoyed about this one time he made this silly plan that was inconsiderate and mean and what was he even thinking? He has no idea how I feel and I wish he had done this differently…yada yada yada and we throw around words like “always” and “never” because we’re frustrated and then we hang up the phone and have a pity party for awhile and then the next day and it’s over and done with and we forget all about it.
Susie, on the other hand, hears this: My husband is selfish and mean and he’s always making stupid decisions and why did I even marry this man? Then next week when Susie sees your husband, Billy, in the checkout line at the grocery store, she will remember how selfish and mean he is and give him a forced smile and the evil eye.
Perhaps that is a slight exaggeration of the situation, but it’s not too far off. We will forgive our husbands far more easily than our friends will.
This is where the struggle comes in: husbands are brilliant (usually) and for those of us with husbands who hold technical jobs and are extremely good at them (like mine) it is so hard for us to comprehend how they can be so clueless at home. Yes, if there is spit up all over the floor it is normal to clean it up. No, it is not okay for us to go out with to a friend’s house with the baby and stay until 2am. You want me to make dinner because you’re hungry? Sadly, I am busy nursing our child. Husbands are not stupid and they are not dumb–some husbands have totally nailed the initiative thing and help in any way they can and they’re amazing–it’s just that some husbands need a little bit of extra help because this parenting thing is not coming naturally to them.
He doesn’t need you to roll your eyes and do the dramatic exhale.
He needs grace.
Grace. Ugh. Well I need a break and you don’t see me getting one of those.
I have absolutely not mastered the art of showing grace to the ungraceful. When my baby cries or spills something or makes a mess, it’s easy to pick him up and smack a big kiss on his soft little head. My baby can’t help it–he doesn’t know any better. Oh, but my husband does, and when he makes a mess I would much rather give him a good chewing out than a kiss.
A second post is coming on grace. Grace is important and this post is getting long so it’s too much to try to cram into a few more paragraphs.
For now, wives, you’re not alone. It get’s so frustrating, I know, but there’s a solution and I’ll give you a hint: it involves Jesus and a little lesson I learned about beads.
Stay tuned, ya’ll!
Second post is up! Showing Grace to the Clueless Husband part II