Every Saturday morning, we have a tradition: My husband makes a fancy-shmancy breakfast and watches the baby while I get to shower in peace and then spend time alone until it’s time to eat, and it’s fabulous. Last Saturday, something came up. We didn’t get our nice breakfast, I didn’t get my alone time, and the rest of the day I was ridiculously uptight and irritable because those two precious hours on Saturday morning are the only “me” time I get throughout the whole week.

My husband is amazing. He works so hard for us every day to provide for us and he is the definition of what a joyful spirit should be–he is invaluable as a husband and a father. But there are days he comes home and plops down on his office chair and needs to just be left alone for awhile because he had a long, hard day at work and he is emotionally and physically drained. I completely, totally understand this and I want him to get that time because I realize it’s necessary for his sanity; the job he has chosen is incredibly taxing and he needs breaks too. When he comes home from a long day and I’m exhausted, he will make dinner or watch the baby while I cook and it’s such a blessing.

I appreciate the work husbands and dads do immensely–they work so hard and insinuating otherwise is in no way what this post is about.

This post is simply to tell other moms I am in the same place that you are. Your struggle is also mine. You are not alone.

As I write this post, my son is on one side of the sofa trying to climb over me and sobbing for my attention while my husband is on the other side of the sofa watching a video on Facebook and also not doing anything to help soothe the emotional breakdown that is happening six feet away from him. This isn’t always the case; my husband helps out with the baby frequently, but when we’re both tired, he gets the break because he has the job. He got up at 4:30am, he worked all day, he got home late–and I stayed home with the baby.

I hear some dads claim, as a way to get out of having to come home and do more, “But I work during the day.”

This is true, and the work they do is very difficult and very different.

But moms don’t not work because they stay at home with the kids. There are a million cute videos out there appreciating moms and what they do and I assume almost everyone is aware of how hard moms work. My husband is and he’s sweet about constantly telling me how much he appreciates me.

Yes, I think we can all agree that every mom works incredibly hard.

Weary mothers, I think often the problem is that we really need a break. When the kid falls of the sofa, he comes to us, the comforter. When the kid is hungry, he comes to us, the nurturer. The only time the kid goes to Dad is when he wants something and he thinks we’re going to say no. Dad can be fourteen inches away and he’ll still come to us on the other side of the house to ask for a snack.

Being a mother is a full time job; everybody knows that. While our husbands might have 40, 60, even 80 hour weeks, we have 168 hour weeks. I am incredibly blessed in that when my hubby comes home, he doesn’t turn off–he interacts, he dances with me, plays with the baby, offers to make dinner–he’s amazing! I am so thankful for what he contributes as a father and as a husband. The times he does need to turn off and get some time alone, I try to be understanding and show him grace and encourage him to take that time alone, but it’s always made me feel angry at him.

Finally, recently, I realized why this is. Simply put, I am jealous of him. If he needs a break, he can take that break. He starts work at 6am and usually gets off about 4:30pm and then he’s done. Granted, as a Marine, he’s never really “done,” but before I was a mom, I would get off my shift at the coffee shop at 4:30 and I was finished working for the day–many who aren’t moms have this luxury.

Moms, when it hits 4:30 and our husbands come home, we are not off duty. In fact, we are never off duty. In fact, when our husbands come home it can feel like having 1000 children, can I get an amen???

Kids are a darn lot of work; the cooking, cleaning, nose wiping, diapers, picking up the same toys you picked up 16 seconds ago, and constantly running around the house trying to keep track of your kid to make sure he’s not about to do something life threatening…that’s tiring. A good 90% of the time I love it and as long as my son is happy, picking up toys is a joy and just part of the job, but when the temper tantrums begin and high pitched baby screams start to echo off the vaulted ceilings, mothering gets old very quickly. Just the work necessary to keep kids alive and homes intact is a lot on its own, but I reach my breaking point when I don’t get a break–when I look ahead 20 years and not much as changed; I’m still trying to keep my kids alive and my house in one piece.

Here’s what it comes down to: being a mom is a job that never ends, and it’s not the type of job where when we’ve had enough and we reach the last straw we can quit. Oh no, moms can’t quit. Moms don’t get sick days, moms don’t get to sleep in when they’re exhausted, and moms only get vacation days under very limited circumstances and with extremely generous people in their lives. Also, moms work for free–I mean, really, how lame is that? Mothering is a literally unescapable job. I get so jealous of my husband because when he does get breaks, he can turn everything off. Even in the rare instances I get a break, still my body is biologically wired for my mind not to tune out the child. As a breastfeeding mama, if my break is too long, I will know. 

Nope, mamas never truly get breaks.

And 99% of the time that’s okay because I love what I do!

It gets exhausting though, I know. There is no “light” at the end of the tunnel that is constantly being on duty as a parent. Weary mother, if today is One of Those Days, I understand where you are. It is incredibly difficult never to be able to fully take a break and when you need help and then the husband asks if he can just have a break because he’s been working all day, it’s like pouring salt in the wound. But I’ve been working all day too. And I’ll work all evening. And all tomorrow. And all weekend too, and then every day after that. 

Husbands work tirelessly and they do need those rests, but that doesn’t minimize how it makes a mom feel in the moment.

We all need grace–the tired mama, the husband who just got home from his job, and the child who won’t stop getting into everything. Without Jesus and His love, our sinful, selfish human natures are incapable of showing that grace in the times we feel like we are being buried alive in laundry, dishes, and a family with a million needs.

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If you just walked into the bathroom and found this–

–like I just did, laugh. You can either laugh or you can cry, and as therapeutic as a good cry is, there’s nothing an even better laugh can’t fix. Choose joy. In fact, you don’t even have to clean it up because toilet paper off the floor works just as well as toilet paper off the roll. Tell your husband your kid decided it was time to redecorate and have fun with it. It beats pulling your hair out.

You will always be a mother, and while usually it’s a joy, often it’s also annoying and exhausting and consuming and sanity-threatening and endless. Once you start being a mom you will literally never stop ever again which, on those days when all you need is a break, can be absolutely crushing to your spirit.

Just six seconds ago my husband called me into the office to take my son so he could read in peace, and my immediate thought is, well it would be pretty nice for me to blog in peace too, and I’m the one who had to watch him all day, and only many, many thoughts later comes, he worked so hard today and he’s tired too. I can love him by showing him grace.

Dads are invaluable–we can all agree on that–but moms, I think we can also agree that they don’t entirely understand, just as we don’t understand what they do all day because we each have our own roles and they’re different. It’s hard being a mom and a wife and it doesn’t matter how difficult it gets, quitting is not an option.

Friend, we have all been there. I am in the same place that you are and your struggle is also mine.

You can do it! You are not alone in this. The days are long but the years fly by, so cherish every moment, practice grace, and remember that your kid didn’t trash the bathroom, he simply redecorated. You can either laugh or you can cry.

Choose to laugh. Choose joy. Live brilliantly.