Right now it’s just Little Man and me at home so we’ve been hanging out all day. We chilled at Home Depot and he threw up cashews all over the moulding in my cart. He ate toilet paper. We went on an adventure to pick up snazzy homemade mugs from a local mom. He played in the toilet while I did my makeup until I realized what he was doing. We snuggled on the couch and watched Fixer Upper. He climbed up on the sofa–by himself–and danced with me.
He’s never climbed up on the sofa on his own before. He’s never danced before.
He’s also never played in the toilet bowl, eaten toilet paper, or thrown up cashews all over my brand new moulding, but I’m quite sure his daddy doesn’t mind missing those firsts.
That first time I looked down at him while we were jamming to Tenth Avenue North and he was shaking his head and waving his arms and laughing and I realized he was dancing with me was such a precious moment–I wanted to freeze it in time, shut it in a box, anything to keep it there. I didn’t want Daddy to miss it.
But Daddy is gone on a field op, so Daddy wasn’t here. While I love watching my son growing and changing and learning new skills, it breaks my heart when my husband comes home and I tell him what new thing he wasn’t there to see. Today he learned to clap. Today he figured out how to open cabinets. Today he discovered a new noise. Of course my husband isn’t going to be around for every new thing my son learns and I’m only around because I am blessed to be able to work from home instead of putting my baby in daycare, but when my husband is gone for days, weeks, sometimes months, he misses a lot.
If my baby takes his first steps, which will happen any time now, when Hubby is gone, I’m going to push him over and he can try again when Daddy is home. I’m not stifling his development, I’m simply prioritizing my husband’s feelings. What dad wants to miss his baby’s first steps? Sometimes these things happen while Dad is at work and that’s unavoidable, but when work is sometimes months at a time, Daddy is missing far more than Baby trying something for the first time.
The military is so, so hard on both mothers and fathers because what our service members are doing and the sacrifices they are making are absolutely vital to America, but it comes at a cost–sometimes that cost is a kid’s childhood with their parent. My husband was gone until my son was four months old and by the time we were back together as a family my son was sleeping through the night so my husband has no idea what cluster feedings are like. He has no idea how frustrating it is to get to your destination only to realize the baby is hungry and then needs a diaper change and then is hungry again. He has no idea what it’s like to fly internationally with a 2 week old baby. It’s not his fault–that’s on the military–but it was his sacrifice. He didn’t want to miss months of his son’s life and he didn’t want to come home to a baby who cried when he was picked up because he didn’t know who his daddy was.
Being what sometimes feels like a single mom is hard, but I would much rather do it on my own than miss a moment.
Then my husband will deploy and it will only get worse. He’ll miss first days of school, first teeth falling out, first crushes, first time called in the principal’s office. It comes with the territory and yes, I knew what I was getting into when I married him, but that doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking. My husband is made of iron and he has such a joyful attitude about what he does, but it breaks my heart to know that when he walks through that door and I tell him our son learned to dance while he was gone, there will be sadness underneath the awed exclamations. What is he going to miss next?
Precious moments are meant to be shared. They are meant to be cherished as a family and when they happen when someone is missing it doesn’t feel complete. Watching my son dance with me for the first time filled me with overwhelming joy, but having my husband there next to me would have made it perfect.
Still, a tinge of sadness and longing doesn’t have to take away from the moment. That memory is precious to me and I can cherish it to share in detail with my husband later. He isn’t here for us to do life together so I have to do life twice as radiantly so he can experience the same joy vicariously through me.
That’s how we stay strong as military wives and mothers.
There are many more missed firsts to come. Especially in a military family, it’s part of life, but that doesn’t make it any easier. There’s no way to make it any easier except to understand that joy doesn’t come from circumstances (which stink) but from Jesus (who doesn’t stink!) and when you can be joyful despite everything, your family will be okay. You don’t have to be happy to be joyful. Look ahead to the day your husband gets out and will never have to leave again.
That day is far, far away for our family, but it will come. And then even if the only firsts left are grandkids, false teeth, and hip replacements, he’ll never miss a first again.
