Last night I had the chance to see my husband for an hour. Sixty minutes.

It was wonderful.

Our situation really is great. First, getting to see him at all a huge gift because many wives don’t even get sixty minutes, sometimes for a year at a time. Second, he’s only gone for three weeks. You seasoned military wives are probably chuckling right now–three weeks is nothing in the Marine Corps. It’s the civilian equivalent to, “Honey, I have to run to the store to pick up milk. I’ll be back in 10 minutes.”

But it’s right before Christmas and he wasn’t supposed to be gone for more than a few days. And did I mention it’s right before Christmas??? 

This is after many nights of him not being home until long after dark because he had to stay and work. Having to miss holidays because of work. Canceling trips to see family because of work. Getting called in on days off to work. Of course, anyone who knows anything about the Marine Corps tells us this is what we signed up for. It is. He knew when he enlisted that they would own him. I knew when I married him that they would own him.

Seriously though, it gets old. Once he’s called into work at 2am after not getting home until 10, it’s old. Once I decorate the house for Christmas alone because they won’t let him come home even when he isn’t working, it’s old. Once he leaves for four months when our son is 20 hours old, it’s old.

“God, family, country,” right? Isn’t that what the Marine Corps likes to say?

Sadly, the demands of the Marine Corps destroy many marriages. The Marine Corps uproots children and families and sends them wherever it pleases. When my husband asks me to call a friend to pick me up I laugh because I have no friends here. Because the Marine Corps moved us. Really, I love our home and I love our family and I don’t care where I go as long as I’m with them, but bear with me here. You can only say goodbye so many times before it starts to get to you. I have seen the Marine Corps destroy morale, relationships, and even, sadly, hope. While the Marine Corps does countless more amazing things, people who describe it as “hard” are grossly understating the truth.

Do you know what the Marine Corps has destroyed in my life?

My idol of control.

Those of you who know me, especially my husband, will laugh–the floors must be swept, the house must be tidied, the finances must be in order, and I must have everything under control. Otherwise I tend to turn into a whirlwind of activity and messy hair and “not right now, I have to…”

With the Marine Corps I can’t plan anything. When my husband and I said goodbye yesterday it was without knowing when he would be back. I love to travel but it’s extremely difficult to plan a trip anywhere because I could leave and get a call from my husband the next day saying he’s back. On the rare days I have the car I can hardly even go to the grocery store in town because at any moment I could get a call saying, “I need you to come pick me up because I have to get something from home and be back at work in an hour,” and then I have to leave the groceries and go. Of course, a second car would solve these issues but lower enlisted are hardly paid enough for that!

So now I’m going on my trip and I can’t control when my husband comes back and if he get home and I’m not here, then I’ll come back as soon as I can but I won’t stress about it. With the Marine Corps, all I can control is my attitude and whether I choose to be joyful or choose to feel sorry about my situation. Complaining won’t bring him home any earlier. Feeling sorry for myself won’t help my husband in any way. Getting angry won’t give me any more control over our situation.

And there, the Marine Corps has effectively destroyed my idol of control. How? Because I can’t be in control anymore. I can control the little things like how clean my house is and I can control some big things like my choice to be joyful but I cannot control my husband’s job–a huge part of both of our lives. And it’s okay because I don’t need to be in control. The Marine Corps often leaves me feeling helpless but life goes on.

There are so many wonderful, wonderful things about our military but as part of the military family and as a direct recipient of the hardships that our service members face to serve our country I often have to choose to focus on those wonderful things or they can get lost under the frustration. But really, what is my loss of control compared to the sacrifice of our service members?

I am glad I am not in control because even if it seems like the Marine Corps is, I know that ultimately there is only One who is in control and He is far better at controlling than I am!

Tonight I am at home alone with my beautiful baby boy and I know that someday the Marine Corps might take his daddy away for good. I have no control over that and finally I have come to accept that and be okay because God is in control. My idol of control is smashed. My idol of perfection is demolished because on my own I simply can’t. My idol of independence is in pieces on the floor now that I am on my own and I’m realizing this is not what I want. My idol of beauty? Well, it’s not like Matthias cares whether or not my hair looks good.

The destruction of these idols brings me one step closer to surrender. The Marine Corps has taken away all control I might have had over my husband and where our family goes, even how we spend our time–and I am thankful that I am not in control. 

But then again, neither is the Marine Corps.

And there is great peace in knowing Who really has the control.