I’ll be honest, tonight was not supposed to go like this. It’s Saturday. My husband and I are supposed to be at home together, watching a movie and binge eating everything in sight. Instead, my husband is off at the beach getting some time alone and I’m sitting in front of the computer by myself writing about my marriage, which is really quite uncharacteristic of me–I am not one to broadcast my private life on social media.

But this is too important not to share. 

We had a fight a few hours ago. It’s been one of many in the last weeks, particularly the past few days. My husband works an extremely high stress job and I work at home by myself, which means we have very different social needs at the end of the day. Once upon a time, I was a crazy adventurer with a love for Muay Thai, working out, and risks. My husband is still very much like that but I am now a mom just trying to keep her husband and kid alive (bye bye, risks!) and my current adventure is my blog. We can say my edge has become a little rounder and leave it at that. Personally, I believe this is temporary, but it’s created some differences in our marriage that are proving to be real sticklers–hence the fight.

Eventually, we sat across from each other on the couch and very civilly admitted that we don’t like each other very much.

So now we’re at a point where I don’t really like my husband and he doesn’t really like me, and that’s okay. Just because I do not like my husband does not mean that our marriage is about to self-destruct. Alright, so not liking my husband is a problem and it’s going to take a lot of conversations to work through the personality differences that have come up in our year and a half of marriage. But it’s also okay. Currently my kid is stinking adorable but he’s also only five months old and can’t talk back or give me an attitude; one day, however, this will change, and then I guarantee you there will be many days when I do not like my kid. I haven’t always liked my parents, I definitely haven’t always liked my siblings, and sometimes I want to disown my friends.

But it should be different with my husband, right? I chose to marry this man because I was crazy, madly, passionately in love with him.

And now I don’t even like him very much.

Hmm.

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If my husband walked back through that door right now, I wouldn’t be particularly thrilled to see him, as is usually the case after a fight. I might even just say a curt “hi” and go to bed. I have, in fact, spent a lot of time not liking him recently, which I am embarrassed to admit but I think it’s an important part of my post. We’ve hit a ton of challenges in the past few weeks and some of our differences are starting to feel irreconcilable. What do people with irreconcilable differences do? Unfortunately the answer is they stop being married.

When you don’t like your husband, you must realize that it is not the time to consider taking a break, if that were even possible in a marriage.

It is okay not to like your husband–recognize that like you and me, your husband is not always a likable person. There are a lot of people we don’t like but still keep in our life, and a spouse is no different just because we’re supposed to be in love with him or her. Of course, you spend far more time around your spouse than any other person and that makes it a unique challenge, but the point is that not liking your husband in no way means the marriage is over. Please, do not be discouraged and start to reconsider him as your other half.

Spouses often make the mistake of equating like and love. We’re supposed to love our husbands forever and we assume when we no longer like them it’s a sign that the marriage is over. 

It might be a sign something needs to change (perhaps you) but it’s not a sign the marriage is over.

Tonight wasn’t supposed to be spent at home alone. My husband is my best friend and we were supposed to be doing best friends-y things. Instead, I’m here not liking him and this means absolutely nothing for the status of my marriage. The first time I realized I wasn’t feeling so crazy about my husband, I freaked out and I could feel all the what-ifs starting to swirl in my head. It took me awhile to consciously stop and tell myself, it’s okay that I don’t like my husband because liking my husband is not the end goal of marriage, the end goal of my marriage is to love my husband and glorify Jesus. 
Most people realize that they can love someone without liking them, but when it’s as personal as your spouse the rules seem to change. I can work with the customer I don’t like, but I sure don’t want to be married to one. Of course not, but it’s irrelevant when it comes to my husband because I chose him and regardless of whether or not I want to choose him at this moment (I do) I promised myself to him forever. I may not like him right now, but it’s not a warning sign that forever is coming to an end; if anything, it’s a sign that we’re getting to know each other really darn well and that is so awesome.

When I was in high school, someone told me that marriage is God’s mirror of ourselves. My husband may feel like I’m a different person than the one he married and of course we both changed, but in actuality marriage has just brought out aspects of ourselves that are dirty, mean, and plain unlikeable. They were there all along; our different personalities and the fact we have become one just exacerbate them.

We haven’t failed at marriage just because we don’t like each other. You haven’t failed at marriage just because you don’t like your husband. It’s okay, ya’ll–don’t be discouraged!

My husband and I have seventy or eighty years ahead of each other–together–and we’re not going to like each other for all of it, but we’re going to choose each other anyway, and most of all, we’re never going to second guess our decision to choose each other in the first place. 

The sinking feeling that comes over me when I look over at the man in bed next to me and realize I don’t like him is devastating. I want to like my husband, and even now just thinking about how I write a whole post on this topic is tying my stomach in knots. Sometimes it makes me feel like I’m being pulled under in some sea of hopelessness and that feeling is enough to make anyone wonder if their marriage was the right decision. Maybe it wasn’t the right decision, but once you’ve become one with someone the only right decision from that point on is choosing that person every moment of every day. You can still choose your husband even if you don’t like him, and interestingly enough the more you make the conscious decision to love someone the more your heart will start to follow your actions.

My takeaway here is that you need not be discouraged. 

Richard, I love you. In this moment I don’t like you very much, but I choose you anyway. Our marriage isn’t over; it is so far from it. It will never be over because this time in our marriage is a season of growth and liking each other is not the end goal of our our relationship anyway.

Friends, don’t reconsider your marriage. Ever. Don’t reconsider your husband, don’t reconsider the choice you made on your wedding day, don’t reconsider if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. It is okay that in this moment you don’t like them. It is even okay if in most moments you don’t them. It’s okay. 

It might not get better tomorrow, it might not get better for a long time. Don’t be discouraged. Don’t give up. Don’t reconsider.

I still don’t like my husband, but after two hours of putting thinking through this post, if my husband walked through the door right now I would welcome him joyfully. I would thank God that he came back, then I would pray hard for reconciliation and wisdom, because not liking him is irrelevant to the fact that our marriage is unbreakable by choice.

Today, you may not like your spouse. And it’s okay–you will be okay; your marriage will be okay. 

Above everything, love one another earnestly, because love covers over many sins. 1 Peter 4:8